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If you let me, I'd show you how to build your fences
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Monday, November 07, 2011, 9:22 PM Taz
Thus is life. And I'm tired. Sometimes I don't think I can keep doing this anymore. I just feel... broken all the time. There are times I get fed up. I get angry and get told that I deserve someone who would love me whole-heartedly. Or at least... someone who'll try to love me the way I love them. And then I wonder if it's because I'm not enough... But then I see her... my heart cracks a little, I start shaking a little and all I want is for her to hold onto me and tell me everything's going to be ok. But I know that's just being stupid... and so... I withdraw a little bit more into myself. I'm just... sad. I hate getting that choked feeling at the back of my throat. The times at which I talk to someone and my voice cracks. And then... I see you sad. And everything all of a sudden stops mattering. I stop being sad. I stop being an idiot because I realize that you need me to be strong. Somewhere along the lines... we both started being fearful. You in committing. And though you say it's because you don't believe in it and all... I feel like... it came from your past and from being hurt. I think parts of it comes from never wanting to feel like you have to depend on anyone else other than yourself. And with me... my biggest fear is and has always been losing someone like you. Someone that holds such an important role in my life. Grown partly from all those years of self-perseverance... and for once, letting someone in fully and truly... and now... I'm afraid. No reason for me to be that selfish though... And if I don't ever get the chance to tell you. I'll say it now. You are beautiful. Don't you ever let anyone else tell you otherwise. Don't ever feel like you're not good enough. That girl inside...? The one I fell in love with? There's no replacing her. She's awesome. She cares about everyone around her. She's dependable, responsible and has tons of quirks that make her who she is. She's headstrong and resilient. She has all these quirks that make me smile, and even if sometimes there're at inopportune times, I can't help but smile and want to hold her in my arms when it happens. It is true. You don't deserve all the pain I'm causing you... And I'm sorry I don't have a solution for you because I'm being selfish and holding on to you. You do deserve happiness... and I'm sorry I can't be a part of it because I wish that you were able to commit to me. And thus... the only thing I can do... is be the best friend I can to you. Even if it kills me, because that's what you deserve. Someone who'll love you with all their hearts, to support you when you need it and to be your "rock". Someone to hold your hand and tell you that everything will be ok because if all else fails, you'll be there to pick them up. And if nothing more... I'll always hope to be that person for you. I can understand that even though there's no other person I would rather entrust my heart to... you're not ready to undertake that responsibility. And so, I'm sorry for not being strong enough to let you have both. I feel too much unnecessary emotions... I do understand you... And I'm sorry I've made you think otherwise... I do hope that deep down... you do realize that I do know you. For once, I found someone who I wanted to explore the world with. Someone who had her own opinions and was relatively open to others' opinions. Someone who was just as stubborn as I was but who could also back down... albeit with resistance. Someone... who was my opposite of sorts... but whom I felt fit into my soul perfectly. I know... "how?" right? Especially with all the "wrongs"... but call me blind, but in my mind... it's an easy question. We have our differences. We clash at times. We're headstrong and have an affinity to refuse backing down. We're temperamental, prone to mood swings and fall prey to being selfish. But... I wouldn't have it any other way. I understand the importance of having a solution. But I also realize that sometimes... it doesn't matter who's right or wrong. What matters is that you care enough to want to try to make a habit out of being a better person for each other. But that's my naivety speaking. My belief in happy endings and that everyone has it in them to be good and not just self-serving. Thinking that as long as it matters enough, it'll work out. But... for all my flaws... I'm still glad I believe in happiness.... there's always beauty in hope. You got mad... and yelled that I did not understand what you shared with another. ... I do. Because... you once said that in my defence. And I'll always remember that. Even... if I'm on the receiving end on it now. You told me to go find someone who shared the same views of the world as I did. It broke me... but I can't fully explain it. I do know that there are worse things in life... but... you of all people... should know how that's irrelevant sometimes. The only person I want to go to for comfort... is you. But I can't because my pain causes you pain as well. And when you're hurting... you need to be alone So I tell myself to try and fake it, to smile in front of you, but the shield around my heart cracks when you're in front of me. And then I try and reach out, hoping that maybe you'll reach back at me... maybe you'll find it in you to want it again. But... that's just me being stupid. So many things get thrown at one another when we're hurting. Things that just cause more pain because we just want it to end so we don't ever have to feel like so anymore. It scares me when you're angry... not because I fear anger in general... but because... you mean so much to me... that it makes me feel like I've disappointed you... and that you've given up on me. My fault really... for being so bloody needy. ... and even if you give up on me. Even if I can't promise that it won't hurt me... I can promise to never give up on you. And whenever you're upset... or scared... know that I'll always be right around the corner to support you because after all this... I still love you. |
thedeceptionist
While all deception requires secrecy, all secrecy is not meant to deceive.Taz. 24. Current SFU-er. Tendency to be odd. Does not believe in conflict. Committed, in love and heartbroken. <3 theillustionist
Reality is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one.Tzen. 24. February 24th. Hyperactive, but adorable Nottingham grad. Workaholic! |
partnersincrime
A Krysie B Qin C Duckie D Chee E sY F Theo G Lesley H Kenny Sia wheni'mgone
+ June 2006 + October 2006 + May 2007 + April 2008 + May 2008 + June 2008 + October 2008 + November 2008 + December 2008 + January 2009 + February 2009 + September 2009 + March 2010 + April 2010 + May 2010 + June 2010 + July 2010 + August 2010 + October 2010 + December 2010 + February 2011 + May 2011 + July 2011 + August 2011 + September 2011 + October 2011 + November 2011 + December 2011 + January 2012 + February 2012 + March 2012 + April 2012 + May 2012 + July 2012 + August 2012 + September 2012 takeabow
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theventingmachine
Some opportunities only come once, seize them. If you don't like something, change it. Life is short, so don't live in the shadows of your fears. |