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If you let me, I'd show you how to build your fences
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Sunday, November 13, 2011, 1:52 AM Taz
To hear someone you care about, someone whom you've given your heart to, tell you that somewhere out there, there's someone who'll appreciate you and everything you do. It's a bit... heart-wrenching. Kinda like being sledgehammered. And have in the same conversation... have them tell you that they believe that you're strong enough to get over it... Hearing the one you love tell you that you're going to get over them...? Explain to me again how that's not supposed to make me feel like my world's crumbling? And it's funny... well... less funny and more painful. But everything's starting to make me sad. I look around and see things that touch me inside... and as I smile, I cry a little. I see beauty, and as I appreciate it, it makes me tear up. I see people happy, and I wish I had that back. I wish I had that girl who would hold my hand, smile at me and tell me that it's going to be ok back... Sometimes... it's so hard to start conversation because I'm just... sad. And I'm afraid that if I talk, I'll either break down or just makes things worse. Where's... my Sammie :( ... she's hurting too. It's probably a bad sign... when I'm just so accustomed to being taken for granted that I just swallow it. And obviously it does make me sad... and I wonder why is it that you seem to forget that I'm human too. But... it's only human nature right? It's just that... I would never do that to you... I surprise myself with how stupidly resilient I am. 2 months ago... qin told me... you know, you seem to be reaching your breaking point. I was just angry. I was fed up with being hurt. With feeling second-rate. All the rejection. Take that first time I could not reciprocate... and now multiply that by a 10... and repeat... daily. Not worth holding onto. Not being able to trust yourself with loving me... also something difficult to swallow. And I sometimes wished I could be angry enough to think "what the... seriously? I'm worth much more than that. I'm worth your time and your love. So stop wasting my time." But instead of feeling that way... I just cry myself to sleep. Needing time away from me to learn how to appreciate me again... You're pushing for the day that I'll be ok with just being friends with you. And selfish as it might seem... love me or leave me at times seems like the only route. Expecting me to stay as I'm still totally in love with you... would hurt because I'd always want more... because I'm always reminded. And as much as people like to think that I'd never dislike anyone... there is. And I feel for this person the same you feel for the one you have. Trail of broken hearts... that's what it seems like. The worst part of it is trying to fall asleep... you start shaking, and your breathe catches while you try to calm yourself down. "Everything will be ok. Everything will be ok. Right? Right." Let day 3 of this latest episode commence. Run... run away from your fears again. I'm calling you out on your fib. You say you don't fear it. Lies. You say you fight for what you believe in. But it seems like you're doing the same thing that they once did... albeit in a slightly different manner. That feeling like they deserted you... you chose to push them away for you. You chose. |
thedeceptionist
While all deception requires secrecy, all secrecy is not meant to deceive.Taz. 24. Current SFU-er. Tendency to be odd. Does not believe in conflict. Committed, in love and heartbroken. <3 theillustionist
Reality is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one.Tzen. 24. February 24th. Hyperactive, but adorable Nottingham grad. Workaholic! |
partnersincrime
A Krysie B Qin C Duckie D Chee E sY F Theo G Lesley H Kenny Sia wheni'mgone
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theventingmachine
Some opportunities only come once, seize them. If you don't like something, change it. Life is short, so don't live in the shadows of your fears. |