....

2012-02-08T15:49:00.002-08:00

There are people that I can't help but admire. The ones that can take a step back and see what has happened. February 8th. Bell's Let's Talk Day.

As much as I wished it were a liberating realization, it really isn't. The gradual downfall, the diminishing of our smiles and your love. You've stopped caring. And as much as I wished you could see for yourself what you've started, you're too caught up with yourself to understand that your fear has changed you. It has made you angrier, frustrated with how things aren't going your way, maddened by not being able to be happy as you so aptly put it.

You've made the people around you feel like they mean nothing. Like they're the cause of all your pain and suffering. And the irony is... I'm the one that has the broken heart. And yet... that obviously pales in comparison with how much you have to go through.

You used to evoke such happiness within me. That inert feeling of being joyous. The smile that naturally goes onto my face whenever you pop into my mind. The way my heart feels like bursting whenever you're affectionate. And I know... I used to do that for you. How you used to text me throughout the night. How you used to have that twinkle in your eye while you grinned at me. How you used to jump onto me and let me carry you around. How you always turned your cheek towards me so I could peck you.

You were afraid that we were so involved in each others' lives. You made your choice. You pushed. Told this person to not trust you, told them that true friends would not make you feel a certain way. And somehow... it's ok when others are made to feel that way...? Instead of just letting things be, and just enjoying being with one another, you let your guilt dictate your every move. You let how you felt as a person spill into your actions. You let me take the fire for you not feeling like a good person. And as I sit there listening to how sad I make you, how angry I make you and how much you want to be happy but I'm not letting you do so... all I can wonder is... how did it get to this state? As the crack deepens, I wonder when you'll start listening to your conscience. You say it's a matter of time... but why are you letting it happen.

You're intense because you're frustrated. But don't... use me as a scapegoat for the choices you've made. For breaking hearts, for your refusal to listen to your conscience, for your pride, for holding on to all your fear and letting anger cover it up. For forgetting things that are important to me, the same things that you've asked of me before. My wish that one day you'll know to not be all absorbed in yourself to see how much certain things really mean to me. To hear all those promises... and to have it be my fault that it wasn't important enough for you to remember. Or have you turn back against your word.

I hope that one day... your heart will soften again. That you will stop being afraid. There is no shame in that. There is shame in being afraid and placing yourself under a shell of anger and cynicism. Your inability and refusal to deal with the realization of who you have become will become an even greater burden. You tell me about how you'll be alone, about how you'd rather that anyhow and whatnot. And even though you don't respect it nor do you understand it, and how uncomfortable it makes you feel, I tell you with all honesty from my heart "you won't ever be alone... you have a Rubby you see... someone that loves you unconditionally and will unfortunately place their own happiness second because happiness without yours is not happiness at all"

No lies, just love.

And I do, I do love you.

2012-02-05T11:44:00.002-08:00

This is my question to you.

"What is it that you truly fear?"

In your anger and all that frustration, in your view of the world and how cynical you get when it comes to friendship and trust, what is it that you're trying to hide from. I know I'm liable for the amount of faith and trust I have in you, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Through all that has happened, I still, and have always seen something in you.

I see through the facade you've put up. I see the shield, the one that protects you. And while I smile because I love you and who you truly are, it breaks my heart seeing you that way. It breaks my heart hearing you say you don't care when my instincts tell me otherwise. It breaks my heart seeing the struggle within because though you've told yourself that this is what you believe in, parts of you are telling you otherwise and anger breaks through as you try to deal with it.

Those times at which you're a clean slate, after you've unloaded and vented. Though it makes me smile because I know you now feel better, it's a bittersweet one. The temporary reprieve at the expense of my heart. And then I look into your eyes, and I see the truth in them. I see how much you love me and I see how much we mean to one another. And all I can ask is... why are we still fighting it so hard.

You're not liable for someone caring that much about you. But who's liable for the change of heart? Who's liable for not trying to make things work? It's give, take, and compromise. Everyone's liable. Not shying away from the consequences, from the responsibilities and knowing that at the end of the day, we have to be accountable. Saying we're not liable for these things... is an excuse. The world does not consist of just one person. We're all interconnected and interdependent. On a smaller scale, the world is like a giant Chemistry set. So own up.

You told me that you wished that someone would enter your life and break your heart... let me tell you... that you really don't want that. That truly is, one of the worst feelings out there. Stop being afraid... of letting me back into your heart. Of being afraid of someone truly getting to know the person within. As scared as you are... it would never make me love you any less.

2012-02-03T20:49:00.002-08:00

Someone recently asked me... "What is it that you're hoping to achieve in your life? What is it that you truly want?" And you know, it's odd, but that's something that I have given much thought to these years.

What is it that I'm hoping to achieve? A great career, accolades of some sorts, material possessions? It's a funny feeling, not being able to articulate it well enough because what I truly want to achieve isn't something that can be measured under normal circumstances... it's not anything that someone could look at and say "this person is successful". It's measured through actions, through compassion, ... through the heart.

What I truly want to achieve, is the ability to go into someone's life and make an impact. The kind that helps open their hearts and eyes to beauty that's ever-present. To be able to appreciate love in all honesty, to be kind, patient, trustworthy and to let go of their anger. To have hope, while relearning what it's like to be unassuming and open. Things that cannot be taught, and can only be shown in hopes that it will rub off.

I want to be able to see that pure joy again. To be able to feel her happiness and see that twinkle in her eye. To feel without a doubt that she's happy that I'm around. As strange as it may seem, I'm quite perceptive to the emotions of the people around me. And though it may not mean much, nor do much to change the situation, to know that there's someone out there who loves you as much as they do should be a comfort instead of an elephant in the room.

And so when one asks me "what do you hope to achieve in life?" I can only smile while saying "Let me show you".

2012-01-23T00:00:00.000-08:00

First day of the Year of the Dragon.

Lots of lion dancing to come.

North Van adventure.

Steamboat celebration.

Too much anger.

Losing respect.

Don't be effin mad at me when you're mad at yourself and the mess you're in.

If you're not willing to try, then why are we even bothering?

Your self-absorbance and sense of entitlement aggravates me.

People need to learn how to be better individuals.

It's starting to depress me, seeing the state we're in today.

It's not always about us/you/me/whatever.

It's about learning from your mistakes, being accepting, and loving.

Learn faster...

2012-01-02T00:18:00.002-08:00

Actually... you probably hurt me more than I do you. About not making me feel bad about it... you do... cause when I get hurt or when you're hurt... you end up getting mad at me. And then I sit there while you berate me. But I take it... and I let you take hits at my heart... and I let you make me feel like the worst person in the world... but I never thought about walking away from you. Just because I do want you in my life. If not as a partner now... then as a friend. But be true with me... if you treat me like just any other friend... I won't lie... it would make it seem like all we've shared meant nothing to you. The same with getting over me that quickly...

2012-01-01T13:25:00.002-08:00

I never understood... why regardless of how much I've been hurt with how much she's pushing me to let go faster, why I've never felt like it was a lost cause. Why I never felt like I couldn't overcome the pain and feel about her how I've always felt. While she sees manipulation because she feels guilt... I see pain and needing her to help me through it, because at the end of the day... she's my best friend.

I'm resigned. Her needs/wants will always be greater to me... and thus... you win Koala... you win. I'll give you what you've always wanted. I will always love you... and though it's not what I want... I want you to be happy.

2011-12-31T11:41:00.003-08:00

New Year's Eve. Tomorrow's the first day of the Year of the Dragon. I wish it meant enough to her to want to spend it with me. I wish it didn't hurt me so much to know otherwise. I wish I could just stop crying over her. But then I wake up next to her, and everything seems ok, I'm happy, and I find myself wishing that she still wanted to be with me. Please don't break anymore heart.

I love her so much... and I want her to be happy... but I wish... I could be a part of it.

I've missed being around her. Being around her home. Being a part of her life. I miss her. I miss us. I miss not having to second-guess myself around her, I miss her sneaking in affection to me. I miss... my lil' koala.

Beauty makes me tear up these days. Along with compassion and kindness. They all do.

2011-12-27T01:12:00.000-08:00

Break my heart. It's not like I want you to effin' care.

Push me away when I need you there the most. It's not like it matters to me.

Ignore it when I show you affection. It's not like it breaks my heart into pieces.

Let there be tears. It's not like I wish you were willing to do anything about them.

Run away. Like you always do. It's because you have yet to learn and understand.

You're starting to slowly lose me... because as much as I want it. I've never felt like you were willing to face up. I'm there when you need me, there when you don't. I'm there waiting when you're mad, because once you cool down, you need hugs, and when you walk away from me, I would chase you, even if whenever I walked away... it was a struggle because it felt like you would never come after me, and regardless of how stressed or tired I was, when you needed me, I'd automatically go into "love you" mode. Too often, you get distracted and you forget that I'm right there. And my head goes "seriously? I'm right here."

So I cry. And I know the whole "be strong, etc etc." speech. But... this is how much I love you. This is how much you mean to me. This is how much I wanted us to work. This is how hard I worked at it, how hard we worked at it. This was how patient I was and always will be. And it's ridiculous, because here you have, someone who would do anything for you. Anything. And that's my flaw, because in no way does that mean you have to reciprocate. Which is why even if it breaks me so much, and even though I know all about your quirks and how cold you can be when you get cornered... I would still do the same for you. I would still stupidly wish that you would come back to me.

Let me initiate all the time. It's not like it would make me so happy to have you do so.

Let me reach out whenever either of us are hurt. My love is and always will be greater than my pride.

Let me do all those things. It's not like it makes me feel like an effin' idiot nor a bloody carpet right? RIGHT?!

But you know what makes me even more so frustrated?

That even though I knew all this and I always did, I would never change anything if I had to do it a second time.

Stupidity at its best.

So I ask myself time and time again. Why is it that I keep going to her. Why is it that when I'm down and when I'm crying my eyes out, why is it that she's the first person that I want to turn to and the only person whom I want to have holding me? And why is it... that I still have so much faith in her...

So why is it... that I still love her so. You know... you really do mean a lot to me...

2011-12-15T17:25:00.001-08:00

Identify those that only care about themselves, and learn to walk away. And if you're crazy enough to want to be a part of it, realize that at the end of the day, getting hurt is inevitable... and only if you're really lucky, they'll be able to see the world as how you see it. In which it's not always about your own happiness with no regards for everyone around you, where you realize that most things that happen, is by choice. You don't choose who to love, but you decide whether or not you stay in love.

When you truly think about it... the world is sorta disappointing. Determining what's important, it's so subjective. It's a difficult situation... one in which... you just wished they understood what you were going at without getting defensive. One in which you wished they didn't fear loving someone and being loved like so... One in which you wished they realized that they complain about not doing things for themselves... but if they weren't, then why is everyone heartbroken? One in which people would stop being so harsh on themselves and see that there are people out there who care about them so much that it hurts.

I wonder sometimes... if I've reached the end of my stick. Why keep fighting for something and holding on to it. Oh yeah... because it effin' means a lot to me. And the person that would regret it most in the end, would also be me. Yes, it's easier, and less painful, but I wouldn't be able to respect myself then...

Oh... finals done. Yay... I still wish an agonizing slow death upon myself.

2011-12-14T22:46:00.000-08:00

Blargh.

When someone's willing to be supportive unconditionally, appreciate it and realize that there are people out there who'd do anything for you regardless of how much you push them away. Realize that when you're upset, there's someone there who's willing to hold you. And when you get mad cause they don't say the right things... it's more so because they're not saying things that allow you to take the easy way out. I'm not here to say whatever you want to hear... I'm not here to tell you that whatever choice you make, I'll be there for you but I don't want you to decide rashly when you're upset. Why... can't you realize that.

Do what you need to do, and I'll support you. I get that resigned look just because... I know what it's like to be in a difficult situation, a situation that makes you break-down emotionally like so, to be sensitive when certain things happen... yet I keep coming back, because you mean that much to me. Walking away from something you ultimately love/care about... only leaves you with regrets. But... I guess that's where the trade-offs happen.

I don't know anymore... you wonder sometimes if you had known earlier, would you have changed anything? ... I really wouldn't though. I am who I am. I go all or nothing. I love, I trust, I'm supportive and I wish you would stop being afraid of letting me be there for you. Say that you're not, say whatever you want, that's something you need to learn, to acknowledge that there is fear.

2011-12-04T21:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes... I don't know how to say it so that you would understand. So that you'll let me finish and remember that I'm not saying it to hurt you or attack you, I just want you to be able to see where I'm coming from.

I miss our banter. How you used to text me all the time, asking me how my day was and what I was up to. And I can't hold it against you... that's how you honestly felt at that time, and I grew to look forward to hearing from you, cause it made me feel like I was on your mind and it put a smile on my face. Again, I'm not saying it to make you feel bad, I just want you to take it for what its worth... the realization that yes, that's the feeling you get when you hear from someone you really like.

And I get sad when you say certain things... because it makes me wonder if you realize how it sounds to me. Because I wonder if you remember how it felt to have someone that you cared so much about take a step back from you and move on. Because if you do... why do you get angry when I'm trying to explain to you that's how I feel. When I'm trying to tell you that I miss the person that I got to know. The one who asked me to be her Valentines' a year in advance. The one who said I was on a 2-week trial that kept getting extended. The one who was always quick to give me a squeeze and flash a smile as she was running by. The days at which we would wish one another good night and good morning whilst being excited to see each other later. The days where you would rush back just to go for a run with me or whatnot. You made me feel... special and it made me love you more. Funny how it became my downfall.

Somewhere along the lines... we diverged. Because we didn't communicate and kept letting things slide. Pain is the fast track to resentment... and then we forget to take a step back and remember what made it work because we're angry.

And it's strange because, before, I would text you with no hesitation, just asking what you were up to or just to show you that you were on my mind, but there's hesitation now. Always wondering if you're just bothering her or if she thinks you're just checking up on her when all you wanted was to say hi. You would always jump on me and we had fun being together. Now there's a cloud. More hesitation, more uncertainty... and fear. And then we wonder... when it stopped being important enough to work through.

Starting to be afraid of showing that I love you. Starting to remind myself to bite my tongue when the smile tugs at me and I just want to tell you how much I care about you. Yet... every time I do that... it makes me sad and my smile goes away. Because when I do... you get sad... or you give me that look... and though I keep coming back after all the rejection... it does get a little harder each day.

And I don't want you to feel like I'm punishing you... or for you to feel guilt. I guess... all I really want to know... is where it all went. Because those were all good memories to me, it makes me sad as it reminds me how much I miss it. And it makes me wonder... why?

There was once you told me that you realized that you needed me and that made you want things to change. And it always felt like... I was being punished... but I wasn't quite sure why.

I miss the girl that's now hiding within. The one who's not afraid of being loved. Because fear leads to anger... and that leads to more pain.

2011-12-02T10:53:00.000-08:00

I'm at an odd place emotionally and mentally. I'm going to say it's a good place.

And instead of letting what you do remind me of how much hurt I've been in, I choose to give myself that sad smile and then remind myself of how much you mean to me. I choose to remember that regardless of it all, I'll always love you and that I'll always mean something to you. I choose to smile again in those instances as to not remind you of it all.

And throughout our differences and how much you believe that it would never work out, it really doesn't change the fact that I'm willing to prove otherwise. And thus, I'll wait and try to prove that yes, life goes on, and I will be ok, but I would love nothing else for that opportunity to do so together with you.

I bared myself to you. And I can understand how hard it is for one to give another the reassurances they need if they themselves are at crossroads. So all I can do is smile at the irony of it. The only person I've ever pleaded with, and it's not for lack of self-respect, but regardless, it was unfair to ask of you for something that you're not wanting to do. That's the first time I've actually heard of it put that way though. And because of how it was said... I do regret how long it took me to reach this point. I do regret being "too late". Because instead of saying that you didn't, you said you didn't want to.

I can totally understand the want to move on for you. The fact is, we've both been through so much pain with regards to it that subconsciously, it's more so of a fear of it repeating itself again. Or just fear in general because of the past experience. I can attest to that. And I'm sorry I can't change that for you. It's that decision that you made at your breaking point, the one where you tell yourself, from this point on, I won't be looking back anymore. That's something I can relate to. But I'm asking you to trust that things would be different. And at the same time, I'm asking that you let yourself move on from that fear by trusting me.

And warranted, you mentioned how you're afraid that I'd love you 8 times more if you did. I didn't have the heart to tell you that I didn't think that was possible. For me it has always been all or nothing. It's not something I throw around without thinking of the consequences. Maybe one day, you will acknowledge that about me and not hold my past behaviour against me. People do grow, and nothing is ever set in stone. So I hope that there comes a day at which you will give me the chance to let me trust you again.

I have played devil's advocate and have reached many a day at which I was ready to just call it quits. I was ready to walk out from your life completely. I was ready to leave and not look back. But every time I got there, I thankfully also asked myself "to what extent does that help?" Two people who do need one another, even if difficult to acknowledge and for all purposes, with tendencies to tell ourselves otherwise. The lessons of the world today, depend on no one else but yourself, because everyone's out there for themselves. Contrary to the lessons of life: don't be afraid to admit that you need someone, but help remind them that it'll be ok if they're not around because most people take it for a lot more responsibility that it really is. One who, if left, would in the future, regret not being a part of her life. And I know it's a lot easier that way, walking away and not trying always is. But I owe it to myself, to her, and to what we have to not be a coward and take the easy way out.

And I won't lie to you. I am waiting and I do hope that one day you'll change your mind but in the meantime, I'll do the best I can, to be the person you fell in love with. To be the person that'll always be by your side.

And I hope... you won't relegate me to just another one of your friends.

2011-11-24T15:14:00.002-08:00

Integrity.

Too many trigger memories that make me withdraw into my pain.

"Be With Me" is a very difficult film to watch. Its' usage of music, its' simplicity, amplifies the story it's telling. Heart-wrenching and sorta painful to watch... but... here's to hoping in the end, there's a balance of sorts.

What I struggle with most... is the cynicism in the world. You need to believe for things to work out. But obviously it's easier to just call it quits... you don't get disappointed as much.

Give it your all, or none at all.

2011-11-18T22:30:00.000-08:00

I am thankful. Thankful for you. For what we had. Thankful for the experiences that you've shared with me. Thankful for the laughs we had and the tears we've shed. I'm thankful for you holding my hand and comforting me when I was scared. For holding onto me when I broke down.

I am thankful for all you've done for me. All the rides that you've given me. Thankful for letting me be the one you go to when you're upset with other things. For letting me be the person to love and support you. Thankful for how when you get upset, you get more upset if I don't go comfort you. I'm thankful for you being my gym buddy. For all your trust and honesty. I thank you for loving me and I'm sorry for asking for so much.

I'm sorry for breaking your heart by being sad. Sorry for making you feel like I was guilt-tripping you. Sorry for not being strong enough to keep myself together in the midst of this all. I'm sorry for wanting to look after you and making you feel like you were incapable of doing that yourself. Sorry for wanting so much more.

You asked me what is it about you that I loved and found beautiful. There are no words to describe to you how I feel. And that's why I wished you could see yourself through my eyes.

I'm sorry for always keeping quiet. I swear I don't do that purposely to provoke you. Nor is it because I'm not consciously thinking about it. I do think back often... I pull back what's said and unfortunately... instead of lighting a fire under me, it just makes me sad. Counter-productive when that just makes you angrier. I'll try to do better...

I am not sorry for loving you that much... but I am sorry that you're not ok with it. I'm sorry for being selfish and apparently only caring about my own happiness. I didn't think I was being that much of a jerk. I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time and causing so much anguish.

I'm sorry that all I wished was that we were back together. Especially when I know where you stand. Sorry for making you feel like I can't look after myself and for adding to your stresses. But most of all... I'm sorry for not giving up on you.

2011-11-16T19:28:00.002-08:00

I feel like we've drifted apart. And it's understandable after all the pain we've been through... it saddens me. Because the further we drift... the more I realize that it's not going to ever work out between us. And then that makes me sadder... because I want nothing more than to be able to love you and for you to be ok with being loved by me.

And I can't expect you to hold my hand and provide me the assurance that I need... because that's not how you feel. And even though it kills me to see you and know this in my heart... it kills me to not see you because I feel like I've lost you. And then sometimes... I remember the things that were said in the heat of things... and it shatters me a little.

The rejection gets harder to bear every day. You used to nuzzle me back... and shower me with love. And now... now I just feel like you're angry at me whenever I steal one in and it makes me just feel... resigned. I... feel that a lot actually. Why bother trying so hard... fighting for something when you're struggling to achieve the other? Why cry till my eyes feel like they're falling off, why listen to the sorries, to the you're the best person I know, to all those things, when at the end of the day, you're still not willing to take one step back in hopes of having us move forward. But now... we struggle with our attempts to just blindly go at it.

And I miss it. Gawd... I miss it all... so much. I'm patient... because I do love you... and because I hold on to the fact that maybe... maybe one day you'll be ok. But... it's starting to wear thin... throw me a bone at least... :(

It's... the 20th. I'll try my best... to not do that to you again... but... if it's not in your agenda to ever be ok with me loving you... I don't know if I'll have a place in your life then... painstakingly waiting for something that won't ever be.

It's killing me...

2011-11-13T01:52:00.000-08:00

I think.. no matter how many times you hear it, it never gets easier...

To hear someone you care about, someone whom you've given your heart to, tell you that somewhere out there, there's someone who'll appreciate you and everything you do. It's a bit... heart-wrenching. Kinda like being sledgehammered. And have in the same conversation... have them tell you that they believe that you're strong enough to get over it... Hearing the one you love tell you that you're going to get over them...? Explain to me again how that's not supposed to make me feel like my world's crumbling?

And it's funny... well... less funny and more painful. But everything's starting to make me sad. I look around and see things that touch me inside... and as I smile, I cry a little. I see beauty, and as I appreciate it, it makes me tear up. I see people happy, and I wish I had that back. I wish I had that girl who would hold my hand, smile at me and tell me that it's going to be ok back...

Sometimes... it's so hard to start conversation because I'm just... sad. And I'm afraid that if I talk, I'll either break down or just makes things worse. Where's... my Sammie :( ... she's hurting too. It's probably a bad sign... when I'm just so accustomed to being taken for granted that I just swallow it. And obviously it does make me sad... and I wonder why is it that you seem to forget that I'm human too. But... it's only human nature right? It's just that... I would never do that to you...

I surprise myself with how stupidly resilient I am. 2 months ago... qin told me... you know, you seem to be reaching your breaking point. I was just angry. I was fed up with being hurt. With feeling second-rate. All the rejection. Take that first time I could not reciprocate... and now multiply that by a 10... and repeat... daily. Not worth holding onto. Not being able to trust yourself with loving me... also something difficult to swallow. And I sometimes wished I could be angry enough to think "what the... seriously? I'm worth much more than that. I'm worth your time and your love. So stop wasting my time." But instead of feeling that way... I just cry myself to sleep.

Needing time away from me to learn how to appreciate me again... You're pushing for the day that I'll be ok with just being friends with you. And selfish as it might seem... love me or leave me at times seems like the only route. Expecting me to stay as I'm still totally in love with you... would hurt because I'd always want more... because I'm always reminded. And as much as people like to think that I'd never dislike anyone... there is. And I feel for this person the same you feel for the one you have.

Trail of broken hearts... that's what it seems like.

The worst part of it is trying to fall asleep... you start shaking, and your breathe catches while you try to calm yourself down. "Everything will be ok. Everything will be ok. Right? Right."

Let day 3 of this latest episode commence.

Run... run away from your fears again. I'm calling you out on your fib. You say you don't fear it. Lies. You say you fight for what you believe in. But it seems like you're doing the same thing that they once did... albeit in a slightly different manner. That feeling like they deserted you... you chose to push them away for you. You chose.

2011-11-07T21:22:00.001-08:00

Too much. Too much hurting. Heartache. Too much wishing for things that won't be. Too much missing us.

Thus is life. And I'm tired. Sometimes I don't think I can keep doing this anymore. I just feel... broken all the time. There are times I get fed up. I get angry and get told that I deserve someone who would love me whole-heartedly. Or at least... someone who'll try to love me the way I love them. And then I wonder if it's because I'm not enough...

But then I see her... my heart cracks a little, I start shaking a little and all I want is for her to hold onto me and tell me everything's going to be ok. But I know that's just being stupid... and so... I withdraw a little bit more into myself. I'm just... sad. I hate getting that choked feeling at the back of my throat. The times at which I talk to someone and my voice cracks.

And then... I see you sad. And everything all of a sudden stops mattering. I stop being sad. I stop being an idiot because I realize that you need me to be strong. Somewhere along the lines... we both started being fearful. You in committing. And though you say it's because you don't believe in it and all... I feel like... it came from your past and from being hurt. I think parts of it comes from never wanting to feel like you have to depend on anyone else other than yourself. And with me... my biggest fear is and has always been losing someone like you. Someone that holds such an important role in my life. Grown partly from all those years of self-perseverance... and for once, letting someone in fully and truly... and now... I'm afraid. No reason for me to be that selfish though...

And if I don't ever get the chance to tell you. I'll say it now.

You are beautiful. Don't you ever let anyone else tell you otherwise. Don't ever feel like you're not good enough. That girl inside...? The one I fell in love with? There's no replacing her. She's awesome. She cares about everyone around her. She's dependable, responsible and has tons of quirks that make her who she is. She's headstrong and resilient. She has all these quirks that make me smile, and even if sometimes there're at inopportune times, I can't help but smile and want to hold her in my arms when it happens. It is true. You don't deserve all the pain I'm causing you... And I'm sorry I don't have a solution for you because I'm being selfish and holding on to you. You do deserve happiness... and I'm sorry I can't be a part of it because I wish that you were able to commit to me. And thus... the only thing I can do... is be the best friend I can to you. Even if it kills me, because that's what you deserve. Someone who'll love you with all their hearts, to support you when you need it and to be your "rock". Someone to hold your hand and tell you that everything will be ok because if all else fails, you'll be there to pick them up. And if nothing more... I'll always hope to be that person for you.

I can understand that even though there's no other person I would rather entrust my heart to... you're not ready to undertake that responsibility. And so, I'm sorry for not being strong enough to let you have both. I feel too much unnecessary emotions... I do understand you... And I'm sorry I've made you think otherwise... I do hope that deep down... you do realize that I do know you.

For once, I found someone who I wanted to explore the world with. Someone who had her own opinions and was relatively open to others' opinions. Someone who was just as stubborn as I was but who could also back down... albeit with resistance. Someone... who was my opposite of sorts... but whom I felt fit into my soul perfectly. I know... "how?" right? Especially with all the "wrongs"... but call me blind, but in my mind... it's an easy question.

We have our differences. We clash at times. We're headstrong and have an affinity to refuse backing down. We're temperamental, prone to mood swings and fall prey to being selfish. But... I wouldn't have it any other way. I understand the importance of having a solution. But I also realize that sometimes... it doesn't matter who's right or wrong. What matters is that you care enough to want to try to make a habit out of being a better person for each other. But that's my naivety speaking. My belief in happy endings and that everyone has it in them to be good and not just self-serving. Thinking that as long as it matters enough, it'll work out. But... for all my flaws... I'm still glad I believe in happiness.... there's always beauty in hope.

You got mad... and yelled that I did not understand what you shared with another. ... I do. Because... you once said that in my defence. And I'll always remember that. Even... if I'm on the receiving end on it now. You told me to go find someone who shared the same views of the world as I did. It broke me... but I can't fully explain it. I do know that there are worse things in life... but... you of all people... should know how that's irrelevant sometimes.

The only person I want to go to for comfort... is you. But I can't because my pain causes you pain as well. And when you're hurting... you need to be alone So I tell myself to try and fake it, to smile in front of you, but the shield around my heart cracks when you're in front of me. And then I try and reach out, hoping that maybe you'll reach back at me... maybe you'll find it in you to want it again. But... that's just me being stupid.

So many things get thrown at one another when we're hurting. Things that just cause more pain because we just want it to end so we don't ever have to feel like so anymore. It scares me when you're angry... not because I fear anger in general... but because... you mean so much to me... that it makes me feel like I've disappointed you... and that you've given up on me. My fault really... for being so bloody needy.

... and even if you give up on me. Even if I can't promise that it won't hurt me... I can promise to never give up on you. And whenever you're upset... or scared... know that I'll always be right around the corner to support you because after all this... I still love you.

2011-10-23T17:48:00.000-07:00

Re-watched the trailer for Like Crazy again... and broke down.

*sad Rubby*

Finally finished reading One Day by David Nicholls. It took me four tries before I could finish reading the last few pages of the book because every few pages, my heart would break. I'd recommend it to anyone who just wanted something they could start and come back to whenever. Or maybe... just watch the movie... cause maybe that'd be less heart-wrenching in the end then.

... Koala

2011-10-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

I really am a hopeless romantic... Things that I read are amplified... probably due to the situation I'm currently in myself. Too many reminders to potential breakage.

"Whatever you do... please don't ask me to stop loving you..."

"I don't want to be just an option for you... I wished I could be a priority because... you're mine."

I sometimes wonder why I put myself through this. Why I continue reading these sayings when all it does is cause me pain. It provides me an outlet. It allows me to let it all out, to self-destruct emotionally before picking myself up again for the day to face the world.

And though it hurts... I do want to be there for her... to prove to her that she is beautiful and she does deserve to be loved and cherished.

"Loving someone... is not about seeing perfections, it's about seeing past their imperfections."

... it's the 16th today. And regardless of everything... to me, the next 3 days... will always hold a special place in my heart.

2011-09-15T22:04:00.002-07:00

Grieving.

Heavy hearted.

Would do anything... except leave.

Losing.

Breaking down.

Scared.

Unworthy.

Non-functional.

And irregardless of it all... I still want it to work. I still want to be with her... and love her... and she still makes my heart skip a beat. Still makes me light up when she pays me some attention...

I don't know anymore.

2011-08-31T05:25:00.002-07:00

And... the long haul flights commences tomorrow. I feel sick to my stomach. Apprehensive, worried, stressed... and at the same time... wishful. It just made me miss her more, which I don't think is what it was supposed to do.

Though... at the same time, I do leave heavy-hearted. It's always the same person that makes me sad that I have to leave and that I don't come back often. But thank you for everything... but mostly for being you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

It has been... a g'one. I got to see the people I grew up with. Got to see how much we've all come from the past. Though... mostly, we're pretty much the same people. A bit wiser perhaps, but some with a touch of cynicism.

Where does that leave me though. Still... at crossroads. Uncertain. But at the same time, I feel like... I have direction. Fearful of what's to come... and for my own well-being.

... not doing well today

2011-07-29T23:55:00.001-07:00

The world makes me sad sometimes. What will you do when one day, you have a child, and you're trying to teach them about the world. Will you teach them to respect, to love and to treat all equally? Or will you impose on them your own biases, your own discriminatory feelings and your unwillingness to accept all as they are?

If you were in a situation as such, at which the discrimination were against you, would that change how you treat others?

I wanted to tell dad today. I stopped caring, stopped being fearful. I was going to tell him that I'm sorry if I ever disappointed him, sorry for not meeting the standards he might have set on me, but I'm not sorry for who I am, and I still love him regardless of how he feels about it. I was going to tell him that if everything so far has just been a huge let-down, he should at least be proud that I refuse to let others pass judgement on me and that I'm not afraid to face the consequences.

There reaches a point in your life, at which you make a conscious choice. Live your life, or live the life that is expected of you. It's a hard choice... live life with the ideals that your family imposes on you, and you never truly find yourself. Live your life, and you risk gaining their wrath and feeling like you're disrespecting them... but aren't they doing the same thing? I do feel that... if they went as far as to impose their ideals upon you... then there's a problem and it's something that's hard for me to deal with. But I'm glad... that I'm not the only one that feels that way though.

2011-07-24T22:00:00.003-07:00

It's a promise we did not keep.

I remember...

The hidden smiles.

The way we bantered.

The butterflies and the heart flutters.

The first time I invited you to watch me play.

The way you get when you've had a long day.

The first time I slept over.

How tired you get after you eat.

The way you ruffle my hair.

The days you rushed over to go to the park with me.

How hard I fell for you.

The first time we hung out at the fireworks.

Lactaid pills.

How you made me feel so special sometimes.

How you taught me how to peck amongst others.

The way you worry about me and look after me.

Nuzzling and Persian kisses.

The tail tugging.

Watermelon eating.

Pengie, Stitch and the kids.

The Love Knot.

The numerous amount of hair pins everywhere.

The first time I tried to ask you out.

How happy you've made me.

The shirt.

My fears, and how you were there for me.

Learning how to float.

Rubby and Baby Koala.

Being able to be myself with you.

All the memories.

They bring a smile and at the same time, it breaks me.

"I love that you give her so much"... I feel like I've failed in doing so now.

... broken, but I have to be strong... for both of us

2011-05-06T22:57:00.000-07:00

First week over.

Tired and unable to sleep.

Fragile.

Term should go well.

"I like where we are now"

...

Uncertain and in need of affirmation.

Curl into a ball.

It'll pass.

Just stay strong.

2011-02-18T01:35:00.002-08:00

Time sure flies :] Happy 11 months <3

I remember walking into class and seeing you in your element. I remember helping you put stuff in your car and thinking "I better not be making a fool of myself in front of her". I remember the first time I called you... out of the blue... and then we ended up going to the gym.

I remember how nervous I felt inviting you to hang out with us for the first time with horribly short notice... telling you that you probably didn't need an umbrella... and then it rains. I remember the first time we went jogging together, you getting lost, not knowing where the tennis courts were. I remember showing up in your lab and stupidly not knowing when to leave... and then meeting your friends cause I say yes to everything... sorry :]

I remember how everyone else saw what we were too blind to see at first. I remember how we teased one another endlessly and how we'd refuse to lose the hair-tie game. I remember how I told all my friends about this awesome new person I met and not being able to stop smiling about it. I remember the first time I held your hand and how uncertain I was because I wasn't sure what was going on. I remember how you told me that it's only awkward if I made it to be.

Often enough, I remember fear, fear that I've never been able to overcome until now. I remember the many things we've been through, the way you make my heart feel like it's about to burst. I remember how I steal glances at you and how it brings a smile to my face. I remember falling asleep next to you and feeling like all's well in my world. But most of all, I remember how much you mean to me and how I would never give that up for anything.

2010-12-12T12:15:00.003-08:00

One down, two to go. Did decently on the first one, it was quite strange.. like all of a sudden, things started to make sense... too bad I can't say the same for the next one coming up...

Edit: The evil one's done. Can I curl and whimper for awhile?

It makes me smile, just watching her in action. There's the constant thought of "how did I get so lucky..?" That never implies that it'd be easy of course... but, sometimes... you find the person that makes you go "it's totally worth it all", and you know... she is.

I do wish that I could throw my pride away sometimes... and it's hard. But then you realize that there are times at which being so hard-headed causes misunderstandings.

I wished you'd believe me sometimes... cause I really do think you're awesome. I like to think of it as this, if you weren't, I wouldn't have gotten to know you in the first place <3

2010-10-31T11:25:00.002-07:00

Had a good conversation with my sister the other day... about the fragility of life and how we humans tend to desensitize and detach from our emotions in self-preservation mechanisms. And it's true... we guard ourselves so we stop hurting... we hide because it's easier to deal with.

I've always known that it was going to be hard... there are times at which I consciously try to guard myself, to toughen up so to speak... there are times at which I wonder what it would be like to take that step of the rail and just end. And then my brain rejects the thought because that's just running away and I wasn't brought up that way.

And sometimes I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me.

It hurts when I know you're upset... because I can't help but wonder if it was my fault...

It's times like these at which it comes up... whether or not you're better off without me...

And then I struggle.

But... you have to know... regardless of what happens... I'm not letting go of you.

2010-08-26T00:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes... I wonder... if I mean anything.

It has never bothered me to know that I might care more than they did.

But... there are times at which... it does.

Especially when it involves baring your soul.

And it shouldn't... it really shouldn't.

But... my own selfishness gets in the way.

And then I forget what's really important.

There are days where it stings.

She's there... but not really there.

So many times at which my heart clenches a little and I have to remind myself that I'm just being stupid.

I miss being around...

And it's stupid... because that's my own fault.

... but sometimes... I think... maybe if I'm around more... maybe... just maybe she'll pay more attention

... I have to stop being selfish.

2010-07-26T00:35:00.000-07:00

I'm crazy about you :]

It's been an emotional journey so far. But I know it will work out.

I now understand what she meant about anticipating something and having it taken away. It's hard not to be selfish sometimes... it's hard to not get choked up about certain things. But on the same token... I have to be able to see the priorities. When it comes down to it... take the back seat.

Realistically speaking... I could never get angry. I brought it upon myself anyhow by seeing it the way I do... and thus, just swallow it. I will readily admit to how much I look forward to things... but I won't admit to it hurting. Expectations... I never learn. But maybe... I don't want to... because deep down... I believe otherwise. Many call it naivety, I call it trust.

I can admit that I'm afraid. Afraid of taking the first step. Because though I understand, it still breaks my heart. Which on its own is silly... because if I can truly understand it, it shouldn't hurt right? But I do though... I sometimes feel like there's an internal struggle within. At which one part of me says "screw it." and the other one goes "no. this is silly." I'm glad the latter wins that battle most times.

So you see.

There's this girl.

That I'm completely and hopelessly head over heels for.

She makes me smile. Makes me cry.

But most of all. Makes me realize that sometimes, what you deem weak, is actually strength.

2010-06-19T02:17:00.002-07:00

... in need of reassurance

I know I might not say it enough... but I have my moments... at which I... need you...

and I do nothing about it... because I don't want to be a hassle...

At the end of the day, it's worth it.

And irregardless of the time spent, and how small a difference it makes... it all counts.

... drained.

And now... time to curl into a ball.

2010-05-25T04:00:00.007-07:00

Sometimes... I feel lost.

Unsure of myself, and of who I am.

I was never one for speaking about how I feel.

I've always felt more comfortable being able to just take a step back and reorganize my thoughts before attempting to make sense of the conflicting emotions that run through.

On the same token... I find myself going back to the safety net of being able to just bottle it up again.

This same habit that I realize can cause a lot of pain/confusion/misunderstanding between people.

Sometimes... I feel weak.

I'm not used to caring so much... to having someone affect me this much.

I'm not accustomed to being hurt... even unintentionally just because I'm stupidly sensitive at times.

I'm not used to wanting to just curl into a ball so often...

The notion that, after this, it's a new start again.

2010-04-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

Hooked. Totally hooked.
Yet, the remnants of fear remains.
Heart skips a beat.
Don't want to let go... ever.
Conscious thought takes over and destroys.
The mindblock is killing me.
If it means enough... you will overcome it.
I will succeed in this.
There is fear of the unknown.
The uncertain.
And though unwarranted... the fear of being broken.
Falling deeper every moment.

2010-03-29T23:52:00.004-07:00

School's been death-like lately. Sometimes... I wonder if survival's still feasible. But then I remind myself that there's so much more to life. You just have to know when to sit back and breathe. Hugs are therapeutic, especially the ones in which you just hold on. I miss basketball... the times at which nothing matters, just you and the game.

It's strange when you think about it. The similarities between the two. You force things too much and everything gets so much harder. Let things come to you and it flows. You get as much as you try. The harder it is, the more worthwhile it is. Trust in your team, and they trust in you. People make mistakes, look past it and move on as that's how success is built.

And it's odd... she makes me trust to fall, deeper than I've ever dared to before.

2010-03-16T01:54:00.002-07:00

Live and let go of the fear.
Believe that you'll never really lose yourself.
It's a journey of self-discovery.
Fall, pick yourself up, and repeat.
Someday, someone will catch you.
Open up, trust, let people in, it's worth it regardless.
Hold on, but know when to release.
Give yourself the opportunity to be hurt.
How else will you learn to recover?
Motivation is mostly self-induced.
Time to give her some space I think.
Not quite sure what's going on.
Don't question too much.
The many mindblocks in our attempts of self-preservation.

... I've fallen.

2009-09-05T00:39:00.000-07:00

Got to see her today <3

It's silly how happy she can make me sometimes. How easy it is to talk, to poke fun at and just catch up with one another. It's just... really easy to be yourself cause... you've stopped wondering and worrying about what the other thinks of you.

It's odd... cause it used to matter. I used to overthink it. But after knowing her for so many years, it's now become second nature. I appreciate the fact that we still talk even though we're not in the same school anymore... for the past 2 years actually... I'm surprised that we're still that close.

She's one of the only people that I could really talk to about everything and anything. The hopes for the future and the little things that generally you don't mention just cause... you never saw a reason to.

Flying off later today... I'm excited and not at the same time. It's a normal feeling. Already I'm thinking of the many things I can do to convince Kat to stop being lazy hahaha She won today though... there was no way we could even jog that bloody hill. It was a little like death .___.

Train <3

2009-02-11T09:50:00.004-08:00

Oh Oh! This is a bit delayed but i just have to put it up! =) cake courtesy of me ^_^ it was my way of saying thanks for being such a good friend and i'm amazed at how he puts up with my torturing him hehe *sheepish grin*

Attended an Malaysian event last weekend. it was a good outing! Met up and stayed with Krys!! Made new friends and had a blast staying up till 4am just chatting. however, made us feel so guilty once the thought of all that work came back to us...sigh...gonna miss times like those.

Last week was so tiring and busy-fying but it was all good. After having dinner out for a whole week in a row i'm glad to say that i will be having dinner at home all week long this week...too...much...eating.... hehe but anyways...still having a blast at uni! not looking forward to letting all of this go =.=

Hi guys!! ^_^

2009-01-30T01:57:00.005-08:00

CNY in Nottingham...

Everyone there that night

I just had to show the CNY tree hehehe ingenius aye =P

If it wasnt for you it wouldn't have been the same <3>

2009-01-09T16:43:00.000-08:00

emo post:

i'm going to fail...

end

2008-12-11T07:52:00.000-08:00

today is the best day EVER!! haha i finally got my iPod with my name engraved onto it!! and and and THERE'S NO MORE CLASSES!!
flying off this sunday...altho it's all so hectic!! I DON'T CARE!! IT'S GONNA BE HOLIDAY FOR THE NEXT 2 WEEKS BABEH WUHOOOO!!!
sorry shu if this sounds like im gloating...coz i'm not...

2008-12-08T19:01:00.003-08:00

funny how u try to stay strong all the time...

but sometimes u just end up breaking down....

I broke down today...

thank you for being there

2008-11-28T01:26:00.001-08:00

im happy

and im sad

2008-11-04T16:31:00.002-08:00

I need something in my life that can help make me happy....

I don't remember what it feels like anymore =(

2008-10-29T10:17:00.002-07:00

i have a massive headache that just wont go away....i think the stress has finally got to me...i've been having this headache since yesterday and i've even taken medication for it which is usually something that i would refrain from doing no matter what the reason...and now im still in school and it's nearly 5.30pm and still i have SO MUCH TO DO... headache go away...life is pretty sucky nowadays....i need proper rest and more time...how do i get both?! is that even possible?!

on another note...interesting fact...i guess i've gotten so comfortable with the guys that i've become immune to people swearing...i dont care anymore and on top of it all the discussions about our love life is pretty funny i find...apparently there are alot of dudes who would be interested to know me...and i am oblivious to it...oh well hahaha not like i am really desparate at the moment....

and now the headache shall prevail...back to work for me

2008-10-27T01:07:00.003-07:00

after a weekend with the family....i really don't feel like letting the week begin...really...not just yet...sigh...

anyway... i shall be getting another picture to put on my barren walls

pretty isnt it? well i thought i would get a picture that relaxes...i.e. the lone tree and another that brightens up the place and so i get the strange looking flower....

i don't want the week to begin...not just yet...let me sleep just a little longer...i'm tired...and yet i found myself volunteering for another society event....second year is trying to kill me...

2008-10-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

i'm happy coz my parents are coming this weekend.

oh and i'm getting this on my wall soon ^_^ i can safely say that it's an original piece =P i know the artist u know? anyways amazing what technology can do nowadays....spot the difference! hehe

Before

After

2008-10-16T15:47:00.002-07:00

and it's time that the almost non-existent blogger left a little update. let's see...the university is trying to kill us with a downpour of work. i know they give us quite a bit of time but i still dont see how we will be able to really finish everything....

my participation in my society is minimal and im getting tired of being in the committee....should i just be one of those useless committee members that just doesnt turn up for meetings? i dont know what my job is anymore...

on the bright side of things!! my friend GAVE me a printer!! and after a long while of trying to make it work because stupid vista isnt compatible with the drivers................ I have finally got it to work!! wooohooo!! yea baby haha...

ok that's it...dont wanna make this a long and draggy post abt the gory details of what my coursework is all about so tata~ see you in another.....long time....

2008-10-04T17:06:00.003-07:00

I have finally decided to post something once again after about a half a year hiatus. Life has just been too busy and hectic. Where are the good old days where I didn't have so much to worry about? Growing up kinda sucks that way hehe..

In some ways, I love the hectic life and in others I really hate it...but so far the new semester is kicking off to a good start! Which is really good but I just hope it doesn't get to me since it's been so hectic. I've only been back for 2 weeks and I'm already starting to get exhausted from everything. Being a committee member of a society kinda sucks but I do admit that it's great experience. Though it can get really tiring if you intend to keep a social life as well.

Classes has been a blur. I haven't gotten to understanding anything that is going on in lectures....I'm completely lost in every lecture. Sigh Mechanical Engineering in the second year is really tough. I shall work my butt off this year to get the grades i need!!

OK that's the end of my post...can't really think of anything much else to say since I have a completely non-existant love life as well HAHA....bye bye for now see you in another 6 months or so (maybe) hehe

2008-06-02T14:37:00.004-07:00

i guess it's time i posted something about the past few days ever since my exams finished. well...honestly...it's been so boring you can't imagine the boredom I've been going through....i was bored as soon as the exams were over actually...
and it's pretty sad because people around the halls are all going home and stuff...while i have no where to go till i leave for Belfast this Thursday. Can't wait for Wednesday to come now.
I don't want to pack...but i have to. hope this isn't one of those boring ass posts where u talk about waking up in the morning and brushing your teeth...

I had my project testing today. It was fun hehe it's was like a competition on whose compressor would work the best cause then they would get the highest mark...and also because it's been a while since I've seen these people outside of the exams...it's refreshing to see people and not have exams on your minds...

oh oh!! and i got to keep the compressor in the end...it's like my little trophy from my first year in university haha...it shall be the ugliest trophy in the world but I'll love it anyways=)

2008-05-28T03:48:00.004-07:00

i was going to the bathroom the other day and guess what i saw? heehee

I saw this.....

It gave me a fright at first and then I stood there for a good while just staring...
I just had to get a picture....it's not really something you see everyday now is it...

Anyways, it was pretty funny...and all i could think of was how I would react if I was the guy living in the room and opened my door to see that heehee...funny funny...in fact...think he did have a fright when he did open the door to see that blow up doll right in front of him.

I guess these are only things that you will witness in university hall life in the western world...
You've got to admire their creativity sometimes hehe...

Gosh I'm gonna miss this place...

2008-05-16T16:16:00.005-07:00

was randomly browsing through some photos when I came across some photos of a girl I met who's studying ballet in London right now. and then i realised how much i really missed ballet...I've completely dropped dancing...something that i had been doing since i was 7yrs old....it all seems so far away now...

i wonder now if i would be able to start dancing again...i don't think i would be able to cope with it. i could never be the prima ballerina...but then it was an enjoyment. it was something i loved doing...i remember many arguments I've had with my parents regarding my grades and dropping ballet. yet i never did. not once not even when i didn't have the time to do it. i still tried to find the time to go anyways...and now...I've completely stopped dancing...

It's kind of funny how you wouldn't see me as the kind of person to do classical ballet...I mean....I'm doing Mechanical Engineering in university at the moment where we deal with heavy machinery and all sorts of boy stuff...and yet i have done it for 12 years before I stopped...that's more years than half my current life...I attended every single class, every single rehearsal and every single performance I could. and I loved it...I only stopped because I had to leave the country to continue studying...

I guess it just goes to show...don't judge a book by it's cover... ;)
I miss the girls...

2008-04-03T14:29:00.017-07:00

a little bit of from spain =]

the antics we get up to =D

the hot Spanish lifeguards *ahem ahem*

and the moments where it seemed like it was a movie scene

Final verdict:
It was an awesome trip...didn't think it would pan out so smoothly...no arguments...no quarrels...just sheer fun.

won't ever forget the people i met during this trip and the amount of fun it was getting to know you. missing you guys already.

2007-05-28T05:50:00.001-07:00

Yes, I'm still alive.

It' has been a good week I must say. Wandered around the city, saw some sights. I'm a fan of it. It's all very relaxed. So yes, the weather's crummy and I'd rather it be warm so I'm not sluggish when I'm out, but that's ok, I can work on my will power I guess.

I saw Duckie today! teehee My unofficial tour guide. I swear, after awhile, it seems like chocolate is a mainstay in the Melbourn-ian diet. Went to Max Brenner, interesting cups I must say hahaha But yes, we agreed that you failed as a tour guide yes? HAHAHA Whale. It's an eel I say, an eel! What remains most prominent is the now christened two-headed tripod giraffe! Ah, good stuff. Regardless, thanks for everything Duckie, t'was good to see you again.

Well, till next time I presume, I'm getting sleepy.

I (heart) Tzen... <3
some things never change =]

2006-10-22T10:47:00.001-07:00

Talking to my childhood buddy. Our talk made something within me click. Seize the day... stupid fear. I've learnt a lot about who you've become. Makes me respect you even more. It's been an eye-opening day for both of us.

I've asked myself why I fear telling her how I feel. It's not the fear of being rejected really... It's the fear that I might end up losing the person's friendship in the process... God knows that nearly happened once.

And I also know, chances are, you're not going to read this. So it makes it somewhat easier. No names mentioned. And when I get the chance, as jD has said, I'll take the plunge.

It's just one of those things that people have asked you about, one of those things that's obvious to everyone and probably just as obvious to you, but we choose not to mention it. One of those unspoken presumptions, and so, we play dumb.

It's something I fear that might change our friendship, but knowing you... that's not going to happen. So I'm just using it as an excuse... Seriously... this fear thing, it's overrated.

And, I do like you. Always have. Just never had the guts to tell you. There were times where I've questioned myself, but re-meeting you after a 3 year absence... that just made me realize how much I've missed you... and I've grown to love the person you've become...

I miss you... <3

2006-06-20T01:01:00.001-07:00

I lost myself the moment I stepped onto that plane...

You'd think by now I'd be immune to it all. You'd think by now I'd be ok with the comings and leavings. But I'm not... because everytime I go back... I get that false sense of security. I rebond with the people that mean the world to me... and then... I leave... it's not sudden, it's pre-planned, but yet... it's a blow.

At least now I know... now I know that they'll always be there for me when I need them. Fang, thanks for the hug... I'm not one to initiate... and I really needed that one. Buds, thanks for the laughs, the conversations, the memories and for always being there for me. Sorry for not saying proper goodbyes to any of you... because I knew if I had done so, I would've ended up teary-eyed.

Tzen... thanks for everything... Cause even if I might joke about it and stuff, you actually ARE important to me... and knowing that you'll always be there for me means a lot to me.