*FENCES

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fences

Let there be trust

To know that you will be caught

Let the fences begone

To allow for all that is to come

plugin&play Music saves our souls
If you let me, I'd show you how to build your fences navigations are the fours lines of lyrics. they are profile, entries, tagboard and links navigations respectively (from the top).	Saturday, December 31, 2011, 11:41 AM Taz New Year's Eve. Tomorrow's the first day of the Year of the Dragon. I wish it meant enough to her to want to spend it with me. I wish it didn't hurt me so much to know otherwise. I wish I could just stop crying over her. But then I wake up next to her, and everything seems ok, I'm happy, and I find myself wishing that she still wanted to be with me. Please don't break anymore heart. I love her so much... and I want her to be happy... but I wish... I could be a part of it. I've missed being around her. Being around her home. Being a part of her life. I miss her. I miss us. I miss not having to second-guess myself around her, I miss her sneaking in affection to me. I miss... my lil' koala. Beauty makes me tear up these days. Along with compassion and kindness. They all do. Tuesday, December 27, 2011, 1:12 AM Taz Break my heart. It's not like I want you to effin' care. Push me away when I need you there the most. It's not like it matters to me. Ignore it when I show you affection. It's not like it breaks my heart into pieces. Let there be tears. It's not like I wish you were willing to do anything about them. Run away. Like you always do. It's because you have yet to learn and understand. You're starting to slowly lose me... because as much as I want it. I've never felt like you were willing to face up. I'm there when you need me, there when you don't. I'm there waiting when you're mad, because once you cool down, you need hugs, and when you walk away from me, I would chase you, even if whenever I walked away... it was a struggle because it felt like you would never come after me, and regardless of how stressed or tired I was, when you needed me, I'd automatically go into "love you" mode. Too often, you get distracted and you forget that I'm right there. And my head goes "seriously? I'm right here." So I cry. And I know the whole "be strong, etc etc." speech. But... this is how much I love you. This is how much you mean to me. This is how much I wanted us to work. This is how hard I worked at it, how hard we worked at it. This was how patient I was and always will be. And it's ridiculous, because here you have, someone who would do anything for you. Anything. And that's my flaw, because in no way does that mean you have to reciprocate. Which is why even if it breaks me so much, and even though I know all about your quirks and how cold you can be when you get cornered... I would still do the same for you. I would still stupidly wish that you would come back to me. Let me initiate all the time. It's not like it would make me so happy to have you do so. Let me reach out whenever either of us are hurt. My love is and always will be greater than my pride. Let me do all those things. It's not like it makes me feel like an effin' idiot nor a bloody carpet right? RIGHT?! But you know what makes me even more so frustrated? That even though I knew all this and I always did, I would never change anything if I had to do it a second time. Stupidity at its best. So I ask myself time and time again. Why is it that I keep going to her. Why is it that when I'm down and when I'm crying my eyes out, why is it that she's the first person that I want to turn to and the only person whom I want to have holding me? And why is it... that I still have so much faith in her... So why is it... that I still love her so. You know... you really do mean a lot to me... Thursday, December 15, 2011, 5:25 PM Taz Identify those that only care about themselves, and learn to walk away. And if you're crazy enough to want to be a part of it, realize that at the end of the day, getting hurt is inevitable... and only if you're really lucky, they'll be able to see the world as how you see it. In which it's not always about your own happiness with no regards for everyone around you, where you realize that most things that happen, is by choice. You don't choose who to love, but you decide whether or not you stay in love. When you truly think about it... the world is sorta disappointing. Determining what's important, it's so subjective. It's a difficult situation... one in which... you just wished they understood what you were going at without getting defensive. One in which you wished they didn't fear loving someone and being loved like so... One in which you wished they realized that they complain about not doing things for themselves... but if they weren't, then why is everyone heartbroken? One in which people would stop being so harsh on themselves and see that there are people out there who care about them so much that it hurts. I wonder sometimes... if I've reached the end of my stick. Why keep fighting for something and holding on to it. Oh yeah... because it effin' means a lot to me. And the person that would regret it most in the end, would also be me. Yes, it's easier, and less painful, but I wouldn't be able to respect myself then... Oh... finals done. Yay... I still wish an agonizing slow death upon myself. Wednesday, December 14, 2011, 10:46 PM Taz Blargh. When someone's willing to be supportive unconditionally, appreciate it and realize that there are people out there who'd do anything for you regardless of how much you push them away. Realize that when you're upset, there's someone there who's willing to hold you. And when you get mad cause they don't say the right things... it's more so because they're not saying things that allow you to take the easy way out. I'm not here to say whatever you want to hear... I'm not here to tell you that whatever choice you make, I'll be there for you but I don't want you to decide rashly when you're upset. Why... can't you realize that. Do what you need to do, and I'll support you. I get that resigned look just because... I know what it's like to be in a difficult situation, a situation that makes you break-down emotionally like so, to be sensitive when certain things happen... yet I keep coming back, because you mean that much to me. Walking away from something you ultimately love/care about... only leaves you with regrets. But... I guess that's where the trade-offs happen. I don't know anymore... you wonder sometimes if you had known earlier, would you have changed anything? ... I really wouldn't though. I am who I am. I go all or nothing. I love, I trust, I'm supportive and I wish you would stop being afraid of letting me be there for you. Say that you're not, say whatever you want, that's something you need to learn, to acknowledge that there is fear. Sunday, December 04, 2011, 9:52 PM Taz Sometimes... I don't know how to say it so that you would understand. So that you'll let me finish and remember that I'm not saying it to hurt you or attack you, I just want you to be able to see where I'm coming from. I miss our banter. How you used to text me all the time, asking me how my day was and what I was up to. And I can't hold it against you... that's how you honestly felt at that time, and I grew to look forward to hearing from you, cause it made me feel like I was on your mind and it put a smile on my face. Again, I'm not saying it to make you feel bad, I just want you to take it for what its worth... the realization that yes, that's the feeling you get when you hear from someone you really like. And I get sad when you say certain things... because it makes me wonder if you realize how it sounds to me. Because I wonder if you remember how it felt to have someone that you cared so much about take a step back from you and move on. Because if you do... why do you get angry when I'm trying to explain to you that's how I feel. When I'm trying to tell you that I miss the person that I got to know. The one who asked me to be her Valentines' a year in advance. The one who said I was on a 2-week trial that kept getting extended. The one who was always quick to give me a squeeze and flash a smile as she was running by. The days at which we would wish one another good night and good morning whilst being excited to see each other later. The days where you would rush back just to go for a run with me or whatnot. You made me feel... special and it made me love you more. Funny how it became my downfall. Somewhere along the lines... we diverged. Because we didn't communicate and kept letting things slide. Pain is the fast track to resentment... and then we forget to take a step back and remember what made it work because we're angry. And it's strange because, before, I would text you with no hesitation, just asking what you were up to or just to show you that you were on my mind, but there's hesitation now. Always wondering if you're just bothering her or if she thinks you're just checking up on her when all you wanted was to say hi. You would always jump on me and we had fun being together. Now there's a cloud. More hesitation, more uncertainty... and fear. And then we wonder... when it stopped being important enough to work through. Starting to be afraid of showing that I love you. Starting to remind myself to bite my tongue when the smile tugs at me and I just want to tell you how much I care about you. Yet... every time I do that... it makes me sad and my smile goes away. Because when I do... you get sad... or you give me that look... and though I keep coming back after all the rejection... it does get a little harder each day. And I don't want you to feel like I'm punishing you... or for you to feel guilt. I guess... all I really want to know... is where it all went. Because those were all good memories to me, it makes me sad as it reminds me how much I miss it. And it makes me wonder... why? There was once you told me that you realized that you needed me and that made you want things to change. And it always felt like... I was being punished... but I wasn't quite sure why. I miss the girl that's now hiding within. The one who's not afraid of being loved. Because fear leads to anger... and that leads to more pain. Friday, December 02, 2011, 10:53 AM Taz I'm at an odd place emotionally and mentally. I'm going to say it's a good place. And instead of letting what you do remind me of how much hurt I've been in, I choose to give myself that sad smile and then remind myself of how much you mean to me. I choose to remember that regardless of it all, I'll always love you and that I'll always mean something to you. I choose to smile again in those instances as to not remind you of it all. And throughout our differences and how much you believe that it would never work out, it really doesn't change the fact that I'm willing to prove otherwise. And thus, I'll wait and try to prove that yes, life goes on, and I will be ok, but I would love nothing else for that opportunity to do so together with you. I bared myself to you. And I can understand how hard it is for one to give another the reassurances they need if they themselves are at crossroads. So all I can do is smile at the irony of it. The only person I've ever pleaded with, and it's not for lack of self-respect, but regardless, it was unfair to ask of you for something that you're not wanting to do. That's the first time I've actually heard of it put that way though. And because of how it was said... I do regret how long it took me to reach this point. I do regret being "too late". Because instead of saying that you didn't, you said you didn't want to. I can totally understand the want to move on for you. The fact is, we've both been through so much pain with regards to it that subconsciously, it's more so of a fear of it repeating itself again. Or just fear in general because of the past experience. I can attest to that. And I'm sorry I can't change that for you. It's that decision that you made at your breaking point, the one where you tell yourself, from this point on, I won't be looking back anymore. That's something I can relate to. But I'm asking you to trust that things would be different. And at the same time, I'm asking that you let yourself move on from that fear by trusting me. And warranted, you mentioned how you're afraid that I'd love you 8 times more if you did. I didn't have the heart to tell you that I didn't think that was possible. For me it has always been all or nothing. It's not something I throw around without thinking of the consequences. Maybe one day, you will acknowledge that about me and not hold my past behaviour against me. People do grow, and nothing is ever set in stone. So I hope that there comes a day at which you will give me the chance to let me trust you again. I have played devil's advocate and have reached many a day at which I was ready to just call it quits. I was ready to walk out from your life completely. I was ready to leave and not look back. But every time I got there, I thankfully also asked myself "to what extent does that help?" Two people who do need one another, even if difficult to acknowledge and for all purposes, with tendencies to tell ourselves otherwise. The lessons of the world today, depend on no one else but yourself, because everyone's out there for themselves. Contrary to the lessons of life: don't be afraid to admit that you need someone, but help remind them that it'll be ok if they're not around because most people take it for a lot more responsibility that it really is. One who, if left, would in the future, regret not being a part of her life. And I know it's a lot easier that way, walking away and not trying always is. But I owe it to myself, to her, and to what we have to not be a coward and take the easy way out. And I won't lie to you. I am waiting and I do hope that one day you'll change your mind but in the meantime, I'll do the best I can, to be the person you fell in love with. To be the person that'll always be by your side. And I hope... you won't relegate me to just another one of your friends.			thedeceptionist While all deception requires secrecy, all secrecy is not meant to deceive. Taz. 24. Current SFU-er. Tendency to be odd. Does not believe in conflict. Committed, in love and heartbroken. <3 theillustionist Reality is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one. Tzen. 24. February 24th. Hyperactive, but adorable Nottingham grad. Workaholic!		partnersincrime A Krysie B Qin C Duckie D Chee E sY F Theo G Lesley H Kenny Sia wheni'mgone + June 2006 + October 2006 + May 2007 + April 2008 + May 2008 + June 2008 + October 2008 + November 2008 + December 2008 + January 2009 + February 2009 + September 2009 + March 2010 + April 2010 + May 2010 + June 2010 + July 2010 + August 2010 + October 2010 + December 2010 + February 2011 + May 2011 + July 2011 + August 2011 + September 2011 + October 2011 + November 2011 + December 2011 + January 2012 + February 2012 + March 2012 + April 2012 + May 2012 + July 2012 + August 2012 + September 2012 takeabow designer: venom ous inspiration: ++		theventingmachine Some opportunities only come once, seize them. If you don't like something, change it. Life is short, so don't live in the shadows of your fears.