plugin&play
Music saves our souls | |||||||||
If you let me, I'd show you how to build your fences
navigations are the fours lines of lyrics. they are profile, entries, tagboard and links navigations respectively (from the top). |
Thursday, November 24, 2011, 3:14 PM Taz
Too many trigger memories that make me withdraw into my pain. "Be With Me" is a very difficult film to watch. Its' usage of music, its' simplicity, amplifies the story it's telling. Heart-wrenching and sorta painful to watch... but... here's to hoping in the end, there's a balance of sorts. What I struggle with most... is the cynicism in the world. You need to believe for things to work out. But obviously it's easier to just call it quits... you don't get disappointed as much. Give it your all, or none at all. Friday, November 18, 2011, 10:30 PM Taz
I am thankful for all you've done for me. All the rides that you've given me. Thankful for letting me be the one you go to when you're upset with other things. For letting me be the person to love and support you. Thankful for how when you get upset, you get more upset if I don't go comfort you. I'm thankful for you being my gym buddy. For all your trust and honesty. I thank you for loving me and I'm sorry for asking for so much. I'm sorry for breaking your heart by being sad. Sorry for making you feel like I was guilt-tripping you. Sorry for not being strong enough to keep myself together in the midst of this all. I'm sorry for wanting to look after you and making you feel like you were incapable of doing that yourself. Sorry for wanting so much more. You asked me what is it about you that I loved and found beautiful. There are no words to describe to you how I feel. And that's why I wished you could see yourself through my eyes. I'm sorry for always keeping quiet. I swear I don't do that purposely to provoke you. Nor is it because I'm not consciously thinking about it. I do think back often... I pull back what's said and unfortunately... instead of lighting a fire under me, it just makes me sad. Counter-productive when that just makes you angrier. I'll try to do better... I am not sorry for loving you that much... but I am sorry that you're not ok with it. I'm sorry for being selfish and apparently only caring about my own happiness. I didn't think I was being that much of a jerk. I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time and causing so much anguish. I'm sorry that all I wished was that we were back together. Especially when I know where you stand. Sorry for making you feel like I can't look after myself and for adding to your stresses. But most of all... I'm sorry for not giving up on you. Wednesday, November 16, 2011, 7:28 PM Taz
And I can't expect you to hold my hand and provide me the assurance that I need... because that's not how you feel. And even though it kills me to see you and know this in my heart... it kills me to not see you because I feel like I've lost you. And then sometimes... I remember the things that were said in the heat of things... and it shatters me a little. The rejection gets harder to bear every day. You used to nuzzle me back... and shower me with love. And now... now I just feel like you're angry at me whenever I steal one in and it makes me just feel... resigned. I... feel that a lot actually. Why bother trying so hard... fighting for something when you're struggling to achieve the other? Why cry till my eyes feel like they're falling off, why listen to the sorries, to the you're the best person I know, to all those things, when at the end of the day, you're still not willing to take one step back in hopes of having us move forward. But now... we struggle with our attempts to just blindly go at it. And I miss it. Gawd... I miss it all... so much. I'm patient... because I do love you... and because I hold on to the fact that maybe... maybe one day you'll be ok. But... it's starting to wear thin... throw me a bone at least... :( It's... the 20th. I'll try my best... to not do that to you again... but... if it's not in your agenda to ever be ok with me loving you... I don't know if I'll have a place in your life then... painstakingly waiting for something that won't ever be. It's killing me... Sunday, November 13, 2011, 1:52 AM Taz
To hear someone you care about, someone whom you've given your heart to, tell you that somewhere out there, there's someone who'll appreciate you and everything you do. It's a bit... heart-wrenching. Kinda like being sledgehammered. And have in the same conversation... have them tell you that they believe that you're strong enough to get over it... Hearing the one you love tell you that you're going to get over them...? Explain to me again how that's not supposed to make me feel like my world's crumbling? And it's funny... well... less funny and more painful. But everything's starting to make me sad. I look around and see things that touch me inside... and as I smile, I cry a little. I see beauty, and as I appreciate it, it makes me tear up. I see people happy, and I wish I had that back. I wish I had that girl who would hold my hand, smile at me and tell me that it's going to be ok back... Sometimes... it's so hard to start conversation because I'm just... sad. And I'm afraid that if I talk, I'll either break down or just makes things worse. Where's... my Sammie :( ... she's hurting too. It's probably a bad sign... when I'm just so accustomed to being taken for granted that I just swallow it. And obviously it does make me sad... and I wonder why is it that you seem to forget that I'm human too. But... it's only human nature right? It's just that... I would never do that to you... I surprise myself with how stupidly resilient I am. 2 months ago... qin told me... you know, you seem to be reaching your breaking point. I was just angry. I was fed up with being hurt. With feeling second-rate. All the rejection. Take that first time I could not reciprocate... and now multiply that by a 10... and repeat... daily. Not worth holding onto. Not being able to trust yourself with loving me... also something difficult to swallow. And I sometimes wished I could be angry enough to think "what the... seriously? I'm worth much more than that. I'm worth your time and your love. So stop wasting my time." But instead of feeling that way... I just cry myself to sleep. Needing time away from me to learn how to appreciate me again... You're pushing for the day that I'll be ok with just being friends with you. And selfish as it might seem... love me or leave me at times seems like the only route. Expecting me to stay as I'm still totally in love with you... would hurt because I'd always want more... because I'm always reminded. And as much as people like to think that I'd never dislike anyone... there is. And I feel for this person the same you feel for the one you have. Trail of broken hearts... that's what it seems like. The worst part of it is trying to fall asleep... you start shaking, and your breathe catches while you try to calm yourself down. "Everything will be ok. Everything will be ok. Right? Right." Let day 3 of this latest episode commence. Run... run away from your fears again. I'm calling you out on your fib. You say you don't fear it. Lies. You say you fight for what you believe in. But it seems like you're doing the same thing that they once did... albeit in a slightly different manner. That feeling like they deserted you... you chose to push them away for you. You chose. Monday, November 07, 2011, 9:22 PM Taz
Thus is life. And I'm tired. Sometimes I don't think I can keep doing this anymore. I just feel... broken all the time. There are times I get fed up. I get angry and get told that I deserve someone who would love me whole-heartedly. Or at least... someone who'll try to love me the way I love them. And then I wonder if it's because I'm not enough... But then I see her... my heart cracks a little, I start shaking a little and all I want is for her to hold onto me and tell me everything's going to be ok. But I know that's just being stupid... and so... I withdraw a little bit more into myself. I'm just... sad. I hate getting that choked feeling at the back of my throat. The times at which I talk to someone and my voice cracks. And then... I see you sad. And everything all of a sudden stops mattering. I stop being sad. I stop being an idiot because I realize that you need me to be strong. Somewhere along the lines... we both started being fearful. You in committing. And though you say it's because you don't believe in it and all... I feel like... it came from your past and from being hurt. I think parts of it comes from never wanting to feel like you have to depend on anyone else other than yourself. And with me... my biggest fear is and has always been losing someone like you. Someone that holds such an important role in my life. Grown partly from all those years of self-perseverance... and for once, letting someone in fully and truly... and now... I'm afraid. No reason for me to be that selfish though... And if I don't ever get the chance to tell you. I'll say it now. You are beautiful. Don't you ever let anyone else tell you otherwise. Don't ever feel like you're not good enough. That girl inside...? The one I fell in love with? There's no replacing her. She's awesome. She cares about everyone around her. She's dependable, responsible and has tons of quirks that make her who she is. She's headstrong and resilient. She has all these quirks that make me smile, and even if sometimes there're at inopportune times, I can't help but smile and want to hold her in my arms when it happens. It is true. You don't deserve all the pain I'm causing you... And I'm sorry I don't have a solution for you because I'm being selfish and holding on to you. You do deserve happiness... and I'm sorry I can't be a part of it because I wish that you were able to commit to me. And thus... the only thing I can do... is be the best friend I can to you. Even if it kills me, because that's what you deserve. Someone who'll love you with all their hearts, to support you when you need it and to be your "rock". Someone to hold your hand and tell you that everything will be ok because if all else fails, you'll be there to pick them up. And if nothing more... I'll always hope to be that person for you. I can understand that even though there's no other person I would rather entrust my heart to... you're not ready to undertake that responsibility. And so, I'm sorry for not being strong enough to let you have both. I feel too much unnecessary emotions... I do understand you... And I'm sorry I've made you think otherwise... I do hope that deep down... you do realize that I do know you. For once, I found someone who I wanted to explore the world with. Someone who had her own opinions and was relatively open to others' opinions. Someone who was just as stubborn as I was but who could also back down... albeit with resistance. Someone... who was my opposite of sorts... but whom I felt fit into my soul perfectly. I know... "how?" right? Especially with all the "wrongs"... but call me blind, but in my mind... it's an easy question. We have our differences. We clash at times. We're headstrong and have an affinity to refuse backing down. We're temperamental, prone to mood swings and fall prey to being selfish. But... I wouldn't have it any other way. I understand the importance of having a solution. But I also realize that sometimes... it doesn't matter who's right or wrong. What matters is that you care enough to want to try to make a habit out of being a better person for each other. But that's my naivety speaking. My belief in happy endings and that everyone has it in them to be good and not just self-serving. Thinking that as long as it matters enough, it'll work out. But... for all my flaws... I'm still glad I believe in happiness.... there's always beauty in hope. You got mad... and yelled that I did not understand what you shared with another. ... I do. Because... you once said that in my defence. And I'll always remember that. Even... if I'm on the receiving end on it now. You told me to go find someone who shared the same views of the world as I did. It broke me... but I can't fully explain it. I do know that there are worse things in life... but... you of all people... should know how that's irrelevant sometimes. The only person I want to go to for comfort... is you. But I can't because my pain causes you pain as well. And when you're hurting... you need to be alone So I tell myself to try and fake it, to smile in front of you, but the shield around my heart cracks when you're in front of me. And then I try and reach out, hoping that maybe you'll reach back at me... maybe you'll find it in you to want it again. But... that's just me being stupid. So many things get thrown at one another when we're hurting. Things that just cause more pain because we just want it to end so we don't ever have to feel like so anymore. It scares me when you're angry... not because I fear anger in general... but because... you mean so much to me... that it makes me feel like I've disappointed you... and that you've given up on me. My fault really... for being so bloody needy. ... and even if you give up on me. Even if I can't promise that it won't hurt me... I can promise to never give up on you. And whenever you're upset... or scared... know that I'll always be right around the corner to support you because after all this... I still love you. |
thedeceptionist
While all deception requires secrecy, all secrecy is not meant to deceive.Taz. 24. Current SFU-er. Tendency to be odd. Does not believe in conflict. Committed, in love and heartbroken. <3 ![]() theillustionist
Reality is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one.Tzen. 24. February 24th. Hyperactive, but adorable Nottingham grad. Workaholic! |
partnersincrime
A Krysie B Qin C Duckie D Chee E sY F Theo G Lesley H Kenny Sia wheni'mgone
+ June 2006 + October 2006 + May 2007 + April 2008 + May 2008 + June 2008 + October 2008 + November 2008 + December 2008 + January 2009 + February 2009 + September 2009 + March 2010 + April 2010 + May 2010 + June 2010 + July 2010 + August 2010 + October 2010 + December 2010 + February 2011 + May 2011 + July 2011 + August 2011 + September 2011 + October 2011 + November 2011 + December 2011 + January 2012 + February 2012 + March 2012 + April 2012 + May 2012 + July 2012 + August 2012 + September 2012 takeabow
designer: venomous inspiration: ++ |
theventingmachine
Some opportunities only come once, seize them. If you don't like something, change it. Life is short, so don't live in the shadows of your fears. |